jueves, 12 de febrero de 2009

Recuerdo de un Carnaval muy campechano


“Nada se ha visto más ridículo desde que Caligula nombró cónsul a su caballo.”
- Anónimo


No ha llegado el “Sábado de Bando” (naquísimo desfile de carros alegóricos) y los primeros voluntarios al ridículo se hacen presentes: obsequiándonos un espectáculo televisivo de primer nivel tenemos a Vladimir, conductor principal del programa La Merienda, quien es el encargado de limar asperezas entre los involucrados en lo que parece ser un bienintencionado intercambio de mentadas de madre por parte de los antiguos Reyes del Carnaval del Instituto Campechano. 

La ex reina del IC alega ante las cámaras y el atónito auditorio que fue víctima de un premeditado, alevoso y ventajoso pisotón en su finísimo vestido por parte del ex rey cuando realizaban la glamorosa pasarela de coronación de los nuevos soberanos de su escuela. Ante tales injurias el ex monarca expone su testimonio de que el pisotón fue accidental, amparándose en la tecnología de punta para demostrar su inocencia: la repetición en cámara lenta.

La producción accede a proyectar los videos que pueden o no corroborar su versión de los hechos, y los conductores del programa (Vladimir, Chaui e Ivonne), cual referís de fútbol americano, revisan a detalle en la repetición hasta el último movimiento que pudiese incriminar al sospechoso ex monarca.

Las opiniones se dividen, la deliberación se calienta y la ex reina, al borde de las lágrimas, saca a relucir un recuento de daños del pasado, al asegurar que fue victima de chismes y calumnias por parte de su otrora consorte, que se encargó de decir a la sociedad que ella, la gran soberana del IC, se dedicaba a la profesión más antigua del mundo (la cual sabrá el Todopoderoso cuál rayos será, pero según ella es la de prostituta), oficio, desde luego, indigno de una reina.

El ex rey rechaza lo antes dicho, exige pruebas materiales. Ella, al no contar con tales pruebas, reclama justicia; justicia ante un agravio imperdonable que la tiene sentada en el escenario ante las cámaras: al parecer, terminada la pasarela, el ex monarca decidió mandar a chingar a su madre a la progenitora de la ex soberana. Esas (créalo o no) fueron las palabrotas textuales del acusado, proferidas cuando Vladimir, micrófono en mano, exigió, en pos de la verdad, que el ex monarca repitiese al pie de la letra lo que le había dicho minutos antes de subir al escenario a la madre de la agraviada. El ex rey no tuvo más remedio que respirar hondo, y decirlo: “Le dije que se fuera a chingar a su madre”, improperio que retumbó en todos los televisores que sintonizaban el programa; lisura que se escuchó nítida y claramente gracias a que el programa era en vivo y que el Carnaval no conoce el significado de la censura.

El ex monarca, avergonzado de su salvaje comportamiento, extendió una disculpa, no sin antes mencionar que el exabrupto hasta cierto punto había sido merecido, pues el padre de la ex reina desde hacía tiempo le estaba ofendiendo con comentarios hirientes (por no decir homofóbicos), incluso hasta llegar a la amenaza física de romperle la madre, advertencia que hizo presente esa misma tarde, y que causó que el joven cayera víctima de un colapso nervioso, suceso inesperado que demandó la acción de los paramédicos, que se presentaron en el lugar de los hechos para recetar reposo absoluto al desmayado.

Cuando todo había parecido enfriarse tras las disculpas del ex monarca, la ex reina recordó que tras bambalinas también fue victima de otro alevoso pisotón. El impugnado aseguró no tener culpabilidad alguna de tal agresión, pero su acusadora dijo no creer en absoluto las mentirosas palabras del rival. Fue así como, al más puro estilo de Laura en América, un misterioso testigo del público subió al escenario para dar un desenlace insospechado a la historia: el espontáneo aseguró haber sido él quien propinó el pisotón, que, desde luego, también había sido accidental.

La ex reina, severamente ofendida por este hecho que dejaba como mártir a su archienemigo, manifestó incredulidad ante la palabra del sujeto, pues no existía prueba material (traducción: repetición en cámara lenta) concerniente a la verdadera identidad del autor del macabro pisotón. Vladimir, apelando al sentido común y a la escasez de tiempo al aire, pidió que ambos se pidieran disculpas, cortando por lo sano lo acontecido. Los ex monarcas, a regañadientes, accedieron a la petición con unas tibias disculpas, a sabiendas que Carnaval queda muchísimo, y tiempo para ser naquísimo, toda la vida.  

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